So it’s Valentine’s day today and, while all the couples out there are being romantic and doing couple-y stuff, spare a thought for those single video game characters who have nobody to cuddle up with. Take a look at their lonely hearts ads and see if you think these guys have any chance of finding a date.
Luigi:
Kind, sensitive plumber seeks his own princess to save from castles around the Mushroom Kingdom. Must enjoy karting and competing in the occasional Super Smash tournament. Huge animal lover – have a pet dinosaur, close friendship with an ape who insists on wearing a tie, and a toadstool fella who just likes to get in the way. Liking double-dates is a bonus as we will be spending a lot of time with my brother and his girlfriend.
Don’t worry Luigi, at least you have Yoshi.
Nathan Drake:
Handsome, witty, fearless, honourable, daredevil, danger-magnet and all-round greatest man to ever live. WLTM a hot woman with a great body (personality optional) to take around the world to help search for ancient artefacts so I can be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Can’t be too squeamish as I’ll be shooting and killing many people, mainly from third-world countries. You might have to arrange your own travel back because if I meet another woman hotter than you, she’ll take your place on the plane home.
Look at me, I’m the greatest man that ever lived.
Slender Man:
Tall guy with extraordinarily long arms and no face seeks anybody to come to the woods at night. Don’t worry about trying to find me when you get there as – believe me – you’ll know when you see me. Mwuhahahahahahaha!!… Call me.
Come and see me in the woods.
Duke Nukem:
Foul-mouthed muscle-head who has been wearing the same red vest for over twenty years seeks a fairly disease-free stripper. Mustn’t mind when I disappear during the nights as I will most likely be saving the world from invading space aliens or in the strip club looking at other dancers with a large gun in my pocket.
She’s the exact type of stripper Duke likes.
What a bunch of eligible bachelors these guys are, and I’m sure many ladies out there would be lucky to have any one of these great catches. Just make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before making contact with them.
