Santa’s naughty-and-nice lists are something to be respected: if you’ve been good all year, you get showered with gifts under your tree and have a great Christmas but if you’ve bad… then he sneaks into your room, hits you in the face with a bag of coal and sets your house on fire. So what video game characters are on his lists?
The nice list
Here are the video game characters that have been good and deserve lots of presents, along with as many mince pies they can get their hands on.
Slender Man
Many feel Slender Man is a mass-murdering, maniac alien with a bloodthirsty appetite but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s actually a misunderstood soul you see, because when he stalks people in the woods and kills them it’s his way of helping them find their way out (it’s not his fault his methods are too strong for the human body). And those creepy pictures that get drawn everywhere aren’t really creepy at all: he’s just sharing his artistic skills with everyone so he can make friends. Believe me buddy, you have a friend in Santa because he’s going to leave lots of presents for you under the tree (please don’t kill him).
I know you can’t really tell but Slender Man is ecstatic.
Joker
Now this man is always the life and soul of the party, chuckling to himself and generally being happy all day. He’s got such a magnetic personality that he attracts friends from all walks of life including a little fat guy who sort of looks like a penguin (not the biscuit bar but an actual penguin), a bloke who has a split personality (along with a split face) and makes all his decisions with the flip of a coin, and a massive muscle-man who wears a mask and looks as if he should really put the steroids down and get out more. I’m surprised Joker is as happy as he is, seeing as a psychopathic man who insists on dressing like a bat keeps trying to stop him spreading his cheer. Good on you sir for keeping your chin up, extra mince pies for you.
Happy, happy, happy.
M. Bison
He’s just like any other businessman trying to run a company in these tough times. M. Bison is in charge of his small business called the Shadoloo (I think he told me once that they sell completely innocent, child-friendly toys or something) and these misfit dudes in karate suits continuously try to fight him in the street. It’s gotten so bad he’s had to hire some bodyguards, one with an eye-patch and no shoes and another who seems to be a matador in a mask. What a rough area he’s set up his business in, the poor guy. Santa is looking to trade in his old, tatty red suit for M. Bison’s smart military style one (I think he’d look rather fetching).
This red suit is much better than Santa’s outfit.
The naughty list
These video game characters are a pimple on the arse of life and don’t deserve anything from Santa.
Nathan Drake
As we all know, Nathan Drake is an action hero who kills massive amounts of people with various guns while rooting through ancient tombs and secret lands that he’s not supposed to be in. He also makes money out of stealing artefacts before the other guys, who – let’s face it – would have just breezed in and out without any trouble. But Drake is totally selfish and just has to cause mayhem. Couple that with the feeling that he most likely did adult movies before he got into all this treasure-hunting, and you’ve got one big sack of coal sitting under your tree on Christmas Day.
He’s looking for somewhere to stick his nose in again.
Luigi
Although the reasons for Luigi being on the naughty list may not be obvious to a lot of people, Santa knows the truth: that’s he’s violating the bro-code in a major way by wanting to get with his brother’s girl (or princess to be exact). You just don’t do that! I even heard that he drove Yoshi to an abandoned part of the Mushroom Kingdom once and booted him out of the car because he knew to much, but that’s just speculation. Say what you want about Bowser but at least he makes his intentions clear – but Luigi just sneaks around being a damn pervert and leering at Princess Peach all day.
They were once good friends.
Commander Shephard
Ok, so technically Commander Shepherd is dead but that’s besides the point. He/she still did very bad things when he/she was alive. First off, he/she got rid of the Reapers – now stop me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they here in the universe before us? So if they want to totally wipe out the galaxy and start again, then who are we to stop them (poor guys). Secondly, being a player doesn’t get you on the nice list; and from what I hear, he’s/she’s strung along every member of his/her crew making them think they had a shot with him/her (tut tut).
Don’t hate the player.
So there you have it: Santa’s naughty and nice lists for 2013. I think you’ll agree that all the information he has on these guys is totally accurate – he sent out his best elf, a eager soul dressed in green called Link, to get it all for him.
