Lara Croft is an intelligent, athletic English archaeologist with bad-ass gun skills. She’s most famous for venturing into hazardous, ancient ruins around the world whilst risking her life against a whole host of baddies (and not for having large breasts and that one time she advertised Lucozade). But what happens when all the tombs have been raided and she just wants to go home?
Lara decides that a change of career is needed upon returning to her massive English country mansion after her latest adventure, so she picks up the phone to call her agent Keith and ask what could possibly be out there for her. The answer isn’t good: all Lara gets offered over the next month is porn, another soft drink advert, more porn and an article in a fashion magazine entitled ‘How to Wear the Same Thing Every Day for Seventeen Years and Get Away with it’. Our heroine isn’t happy with these career choices and demands that Keith get her something serious in the next week or he’s fired.
Not wanting to lose his best client, the agent is on the phone 24/7 trying to find an opportunity for Lara. Days pass and there’s still nothing, until one night when he’s about to walk out the office and the phone rings. All his Christmases come at once: on the line is the History Channel, and they want a knowledgeable explorer to present a new show teaching young people about history and archaeology. Keith gets very excited and accepts the invitation straight away, before asking how many people she has to audition with. The executives say there’s just two other people because they only want to interview the most elite adventurers.
Lara puts the guns down and goes home.
Three days later Lara goes to the audition, but before she walks into the room she turns to Keith and asks if he’s sure this isn’t just another porn job. One of the executives greets her and offers to introduce the other two applicants. The first is an older gentleman who has a dirty brown hat on and for some reason a whip in his back pocket, named Indiana Jones; and the second is a very cocky, silver-tongued young guy who already thinks he has it in the bag, named Nathan Drake.
Lara and Drake breeze through the first round, with our heroine using her knowledge and experience whilst Drake basically says ‘Look at me, I appeal to all women around the world and your viewing figures will go through the roof’. Unfortunately Indiana gets eliminated straight away after whipping stuff of the shelves, stumbling about and talking about some crystal skull he once found but can’t remember where he put it. That’s despite the fact that at lunch-time, they found him in the hallway trying to climb into his own shoe, so you can see that he maybe wasn’t the best choice.
These three should never be in the same room together.
So with a multi-million dollar contract up for grabs, Keith decides to get a bit sneaky while Lara is making her final pitch to the executives. After he sees Drake waiting for his turn outside, the two quickly get talking; the cunning agent puts the explorer off of the idea of being a TV star and convinces him that porn is where it’s at (and obviously Keith is the best manager for the job). Drake quickly leaves for his true calling and ends up appearing in Young Stallions 6; Lara gets the TV role she’s always dreamed of and turns it into the most successful show the History Channel has ever seen; and Keith makes money out of both of them, and starts wondering if there’s anything he can do with Indiana…
