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Life lessons we learnt from GTA*

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed an unassuming little title that’s been released this week. That’s right: Grand Theft Auto V is finally on the shelves and is set to be one of the biggest games of all time. Although the 1001-Up.com team hasn’t yet played the game, we do love the franchise and feel that over the years it’s taught us some very valuable life lessons*.

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1. Obeying the rules of the road only gets you to your destination slower

You know how it is: you’re trying to get from one end of a city to another, through countless sets of traffic lights, slow drivers and all this on the correct side of the road. So why not just drive as fast as you want on the pavement? I find that gets you from A to B much much quicker.

Lesson 1

2. When your car catches fire, that’s the point you need to get out

We’ve all been there: you pull out of your driveway, drive to the end of your road and suddenly get caught up in a shoot-out with members of a criminal gang (bloody typical). You then realise that your engine has caught fire so what do you do… hmm, what to do… oh yeah, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Lesson 2

3. Police have an extremely bad memory

A requirement for joining the police force must be to have a really bad memory. After a bank heist, just drive around for a couple of minutes and they’ll soon forget what was happening and go back to their usual business. Failing that, just go to your local spray shop and just simply change the colour of your car; this will boggle their minds and you’ll be as free as a bird.

Lesson 3

4. You don’t need petrol to drive a vehicle

I feel like the government has lied to us. It turns out that you don’t actually need petrol to fuel your car and can just keep driving for days on end not needing to fill up. But, on the off chance that your vehicle does stop working, simply leave it in the middle of the road and steal another one – job done.

Lesson 4

5. Dating websites are full of psychopaths

If you’re single you may want to try a dating website (listen up P-Diddy!). But be careful: all these sites are full of people with intentions of murder. So be cautious out there and if you meet someone who isn’t a serial killer, look in the mirror – buddy, that means you’re the one with the psychopathic urges.

Lesson 5

6. The doctors in Liberty City are the best in the world

It’s great being invincible. No matter how many times you get shot by a member of the mafia or blown up by your own rocket launcher while trying to explode a helicopter, you’ll always be able to get fixed up by a doctor and return to the street in a matter of minutes. No doubt you’ll just end up getting yourself in trouble again and be back in hospital by the time the day is through.

Lesson 6

7. Anyone can be a sex god

I’ve always felt shallow and a little bit grubby after being in my local strip club. But it turns out that the strippers weren’t coming up to me for my cash (especially after last time when I got thrown out for using Monopoly money). They do actually love and want me and, even though they know I’m a member of a criminal gang, it doesn’t put them off. YAY!

Lesson 7

8. Jumping a ramp in your car will always end well

It’s the classic story: you’re driving round town and lots of ramps have been left about for some reason. You’d be mad to jump them, right? Wrong. Did you know that no matter how many ramps you attempt you’ll be absolutely fine, even if you plough into a building or land on another car? You’ll never get hurt and your vehicle will keep running without problem. And – even better – the police will always turn a blind eye and your no claims bonus will stay intact.

Lesson 8

9. Why buy a car when you can steal it

Cars are so expensive nowadays, especially the really nice rides. I’d have to re-mortgage my house to get one. So instead of getting yourself in debt, why not just simply steal it? I’ll also share a little secret with you: as long as the police don’t see you jacking it, you can keep the vehicle – no questions asked.

Lesson 9

10. Achieving the American dream is a lot easier than you think

Making it in America seems as if it’s a very hard thing to do, especially as everyone else is chasing the dream too. But in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth: all you have to do as soon as you get off the plane is go over to the Don’s house and ask if he has any work on. You know, the usual stuff like murder, smuggling, or starting wars with rival gangs. Within a couple of days you’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams. Mission accomplished.

Lesson 10

So there you have it: all the things that GTA has taught us since 1997. Grand Theft Auto V will no doubt be teaching new generations more of these valuable life lessons so they can go out on the street and put them into practice. Watch out world!

* For comedy purposes only, we don’t condone or promote the life lessons learnt from GTA.



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